you bring the butter, i'll bring the gun.

journal closed

2008-05-10T15:11:17Z

this journal is closed until further notice. why not read http://positivity23.livejournal.com (or, more specifically, http://positivity23.livejournal.com/1748.html?mode=reply) instead?

~whatever words i way, i will always love you~
-robert smith, 'love song'

(in the process edit)

2008-05-10T08:11:25Z

i don't think i'm going to be able to sleep ~~tonight~~ this morning, but i ought to at least stop riding someone's wifi. i'm thinking abouyt making some eggs, but then i'm also thinking about finding out how far i can get on the booze left in the house. i won't do that, though; for one thing, it's all trista's. then again, so are the eggs.

i'm really not sure how it all fell apart. i can see pieces--especially the more recent ones--quite clearly, but i can't see a large enough chunk to make any sense out ov it. all i wanted was happiness for both ov us, and instead all i created was misery--for both ov us. is there any way i can lower the interest on my karmic debt? because at the rate i'm going, i'll never pay it off.

and i did pretty well today, too--up until about an hour ago. i'd fucking love to make it 24 hours without hurting/pissing her off. she wants to still be friends. so do i, but somehow i manage to sabotage even that.

...shit. i'm stepping back now, and looking at this pathetic little pity party. and last night i told myself i wouldn't do this shit anymore; that i'd just be quiet and uncomplaining and try to, since i can't make things any better, at least not make them worse. well that lasted all ov 24 hours...hey wait, does that mean i did, just once, make it 24 hours? nah, i'm probably forgetting something.

i'm sure i said something like this in the pre-lj years, and ended up being wrong, so i won't swear to it...but i really don't see myself ever being interested in anyone else. as bad as my communication with trista is, its even worse with everyone else. to extend a metaphor, trista and i never seem to be speaking the same lamguage--but i really want to know what she's saying. everyone else on the planet, not only do i not speak their language, but from what i can pick up, they're all discussing the left behind books, so i'm extremely disinterested.

trista said ~~today~~ yesterday that my problem is that i think i'm a higher being than everyone else. i don't think that (at least, i don't think i think that...), but i do think i've (partially intentionally) severed myself from the rest ov humanity, at least in terms ov what's deemed enjoyable. and since humans are basically hedonists, that essentially means i don't understand people. i'm hoping that i can repair my negativity issues without affecting that schism, for two reasons. 1, i don't really want to relate to people on any deeper a level than that required to make a living. 2, i'm honestly not even sure i can rejoin the group.

damn, that ended up being long-winded and pretentious. and it was originally supposed to be a short entry, too. oh well, i think i got a few things off my (bird) chest. i still have two problems, though; i'm still hungry and i'm still sober.

recurring themes

2008-05-10T07:17:23Z

as i said before - you don't know i exist unless you're angry at me.

i'd said the long post a couple days ago was the last ov my vitriol on the subject; it was supposed to be just that. i thought we'd cleared the air and you could at least see me now. but you walked past me a dozen times and looked right through me until i said something you didn't like.

all i wanted to say was hello. maybe a how are you doing. just some simple communication. i do want to talk to you; we just don't seem to speak the same language.

and to repeat: you never even told me about the fireworks.

split personality

2008-05-08T16:50:54Z

i now have a journal set aside just for the positive, which i'm apparently supposed to accentuate. have a look: http://positivity23.livejournal.com
drop me a line there if you'd like to grow my (currently nonexistent) friend list on that journal.

in other news, fuck everything.

(こ)どく

2008-05-08T13:15:14Z

you keep telling me not to be like this. well, how am i supposed to feel? you say i knew this was coming; that i knew we were over. knowing and accepting are very different things. a me without a you is simply UNACCEPTABLE. you say i brought it on myself. i know that, but exactly how does that make this any easier. on that note, you say this isn't easy for you either. well then, don't do it. wasn't that simple? yes, i know i'm being selfish. i'm sorry, it's kind ov hardwired into me. like all the other faults you hate so much about me. you've given me little hints and smatterings ov advice (some ov which i admit i've yet to follow--after all, there doesn't seem much fucking point anymore, does there?), but nothing tangible. you often say i must not've ever been trying, or i would've changed by now. well, whether you've noticed it or not, i have. and the rest ov the changing i need to do, whether you believe me or not doesn't change a goddamn thing: I'VE BEEN FUCKING TRYING. i've done my best. you've made it very clear that my best is not good enough.

i remember when you went out with troy. you came home telling me how much you loved me and missed me. it wasn't until you found someone else that you got aound to mentioning to me that troy had just freaked you the hell out, and you were just glad to get back to someone your own age. very nice shot there; you had me feeling special for a while. you had me believing you still love me. guess how stupid i feel now?

look, i know every little bit ov nastiness in me, and even though i don't know how to get rid ov it, i know how much is there, and i try to keep it inside. it's fucking easy for you. you keep telling me that now that i'm an adult (or some equally arbitrary distinction), i can do something about it. i guess i'm supposed to just magically erase years ov conditioning that i didn't even know was happening, as well as rewrite a fair bit ov my genetics?

and i'm apparently on the edge ov losing my job. why is it that i only ever hear about these things from you? and why do you always follow me to every job i get, only to quickly upstage me? do you get some kind ov kick out ov making me feel inadequate? i thought you were the sub, for fuck's sake.

i don't think you've ever lied to me in any significant degree (except by implication, when you made me think i had a chance, when the truth was just that troy was icky), but i do think you've been guilty ov something else ov which you always accuse me: not listening. have you ever heard a single word i've said? ever? i've been bleeding for you (metaphorically, for the most part), and your only acknowledgement has been to tell me not to get it on the carpet.

you say you're sorry. thanks. that helps A LOT.

i know this is quite a tacky cliche, but in this case it happens to be true: you'll never know how much i love you. after all, i've been trying to tel you for years. i know this rant (what else can i call it?) has been very harsh, and doesn't seem loving at all. sorry; it's the product ov all the frustration, hopelessness, and helplessness i've been feeling since the first time you broke up with me. do (or have me do, as the case may be) whatever ritual you like--just come back. i hate how this is beginning to sound like echoes ov before i met you, but (to use a currently over-popular phrase) it is what it is. i want to be happy, but only with you. i want to spend my life with you. i want to make musick with you. i want to marry you. i want to learn to do some ov the things you do, or least know what you're talking about most ov the time. if you're not here, I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE. yes, the cats mean a lot to me. yes, musick means a lot to me. and yes, i'd like to always have the cats and musick around, too. but they're not you; they matter, but they don't matter anywhere near enough. they're not important enough to make me give a shit, if that makes any sense.

i know i'm just wasting my battery and my time typing all this; your mind is made up, and you're moving as soon as you can, because you have to get away from me. but i've been trying for years to tell you how i feel, and it apparently hasn't gotten through. i've GOT to try once more.

~please, please tell me
just one kiss
kiss my tears away
i've been dying
can't take this
this that's been betrayed
please, please hold me
calm my fear
fear ov life alone
i've been crying
lonely here
here without you home~

E.S.P.

2008-05-07T22:32:45Z

my E.S.P. came in this afternoon! is only 300, though. which i actually rather expected, looking over how they figured amounts. i'd been secretly hoping for the full 600. i guess evryone's right; i am too negative; the government put money in my account, and my first thought is 'damn, that's all?'

blame and demand

2008-05-07T16:39:46Z

those are our only methods ov communication anymore. i hate it.

the more tightly i hold love, the more it slips away.

~i could've had it all
but i let it slip, let it slip away~
-mike vanportfleet, 'slip away'

just a suggestion

2008-05-07T15:44:44Z

d'you know what you can do with your happiness? you can...you know what? fuck it. nothing i can do can make things any better, and it's all too easy to make them worse. i fucking hate this. you have all these ideas about who you think i am. and the worst part is that most ov them are right. i fucking HATE that. i am so goddamn sick ov the constant reminders that people are much happier without me than with me. and everyone says essentially the same thing: change. if it was THAT FUCKING EASY i'd've fucking DONE IT BY NOW. failing is not the same thing as not trying. if anyone has any useful suggestions, they would be appreciated. but stop telling me there's something wrong with me if you don't know how to make it right.

from Elegancelessness, by paul niquette

2008-05-07T15:03:45Z

The eighth word in this sentence is last. The last word in this sentence is eighth. The second word in this sentence is second; so is the eighth. The last word in this sentence is second. So is the first word in this sentence.

Since the third word in this sentence is third, so is the ninth. Since the third word in this sentence is third, so is the tenth. Since the second word in this sentence is not second, then it must be the third. Since the second word in this sentence is not second, then it must be the tenth. Since the second word in this sentence is not second, then it must be the twelfth. Since the second word in this sentence is not second, then it must be the.

The ninth to last word in this sentence is ninth. The seventh to last word in this sentence is last. In this sentence, the fourth to last word is last. There are ten words in this sentence not counting this one. The last word in this sentence has three syllables.

Words, words, words (there are three words in this sentence). Words, words, words (there are four words in this sentence). Words, words, words, (there are eleven words in this sentence).

Since there are not twelve words in this sentence, there is one more. Since there are not twelve words in this sentence, there is one less. Since there are not twelve words in this sentence, there are two words.

This sentence ends with more than one period. There are three "quotation marks" in this sentence. Does this sentence have a question mark. This sentence has a question mark? For emphasis, this sentence needs an exclamation point. This sentence is not pointless. This sentence does not deny its pointlessness. Since this sentence has a point, it is the sixth word.

The first letter of this sentence is T, while the first letter of "this sentence" is t, and the first letter of this "sentence" is s. The last word in this sentence is spelled sdrawkcab. The last word in this sentence is spelled backwards. The last word in this sentence is spelled.

Plurals are plurals in this sentence. Singular is singular in this sentence. Plural is singular in this sentence. Singulars are plural in this sentence. Plurals is singular in this sentence. Singulars is singular in this sentence.

This sentence is written in the passive voice. This sentence was written in the past tense. This sentence is in the present tense. This sentence will be finished not in the future but now. This sentence would have been expressed in the subjunctive mood.

This sentence's form is genitive. The genitive's form in this sentence is genitive. The apostrophe in this sentence assures that it's not genitive. The it's apostrophe in this sentence makes it genitive. The lack of an apostrophe in this sentence assures its genitive form. This sentence's genitive's form's apostrophe's appearances express four possessives.

This sentence advises the reader to never split an infinitive. Not to split an infinitive or to not split an infinitive, this sentence advises to never do both or always to do neither.

This is the sentence that a preposition appears at the end of. Of this sentence, the preposition appears at the beginning.

This sentence begins and ends with this. This sentence uses each word once. This sentence repeats the word twice twice. This sentence does not use the word once once. There is one repetition in this sentence. There is only one word in this sentence.

This sentence is missing a vowel in the last wrd. This sentence lacks two vwls in the middle word. This sentence proves that cnsnts need vowels. This sentence proves that a oe needs consonants. Ever other wrd in tis sentence as one mising letter. The last word in this sentence is incompl. There is one abbr. in this sentence. This sent. has two abbrevs. Look for two Capitalizations in this sentence. How many Capitalized Letters are in this sentence?

This sentence uses underlining for italics. In this sentence italics are not used for emphasis, but bolding is. Bolding is used for emphasis in this sentence instead of italics.

There are not two negatives in this sentence. There is not one negative in this sentence. This sentence contains a truth. This sentence contains a falsehood. Since this sentence has nine words, it is true. Since this sentence has nine words, it is false. Since this sentence has one word, it is true. Since this sentence has more than one word, it is false. In this sentence nothing is true.

Count the words in this sentence before you read it. Since this sentence is false, do not read it. Without the tenth word, this sentence would have no end. This sentence ends with beginning. Ending is at the beginning of this sentence.

Niquette is the first name in this sentence. The last name in this sentence is Paul.

Is this the last sentence?

i found this on a psycholofy humour site. i like it a lot.

2008-05-06T19:06:47Z

Thinking - The Silent Disease*

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening, I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day, the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with a social reportage on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye: "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was /Porky's/. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road to recovery is now nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step. I joined the Republican Party.

new nine inch nails album! already!

2008-05-05T16:05:51Z

go here for teh free download: http://theslip.nin.com
they seem to be backed up, though, because i still haven't gotten my download link. the lead single ('discipline') is pretty good, though.

having said that, many things are not free, such as elctricity, food, and khate albums. therefore, i want my ESP! srsly, though, i realise that one view is that i don't get to be all antsy about it since i didn't technically earn the money, but the simple fact is that it would come in extremely handy right about now.

bitter things

2008-05-05T13:04:26Z

a fair bit ov cleaning was done this weekend. in a strange way, i almost enjoyed it.

i'm still afire.

trading apologies

2008-05-03T04:20:31Z

the conversation we just had makes what i was goïng to put here pointless and melodramatic. but i still want to use the quote i had in mind.

~i am still inside here
a little bit comes bleeding through
i wish this could've been any other way
but i just don't know what else i can do~
-trent reznor, ｢every day is exactly the same｣

it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

2008-05-01T19:59:56Z

shit. i'm falling apart. contemplation ov the probable future is not doïng good things to me. memory (such as it is) is at the same time a respite and a exacerbater.

and no, it doesn't help to reflect on the knowledge that i've brought this on myself.

the real problem with beïng condemned to eternally roll a stone up a hill is that eventually it crushes you. i am the stone, the hill, and the pusher, all at once. and yes, by now i'm getting a bit silly. apparently, not even this much misery can make me completely serious. i guess that's good to know.

wish me luck, if by some odd chance i've got any left.

*hugs*

ad infinitum

2008-05-01T15:34:55Z

you keep saying you know i hate you. not only do i not hate you, i get the distinct impression that it's the other way around.

...you never even told me about the fireworks.

just because it's burnt itself out doesn't mean it's stopped burning.

and a quote:

~he says: 'i miss the way you looked at me'
she say: 'i'm sorry but i don't agree'
he says: is that the way this has to be?'
she says: what happened to our symmetry?'
-Freezepop, 'he says she says'

the end ov eternity

2008-04-30T13:23:51Z

people have said that i'd rather be right than happy. it's a moot point. i'm neither.

most people seem to be able to balance friends, lover(s), and money. i don't seem to be able to hold on to any ov the above.

i don't even know which ov us i'm cryïng for anymore, i suppose i should just say myself, since everyöne thinks that's all i care about anyway. but it's not that fucking simple.

make me believe. please, please, make me believe.

i think i've figured out why i'm angry so much ov the time. you only know i'm alive when i'm angry. otherwise, i may as well not even exist.

so we remember different things. i'll keep my memories to myself, though. i think sharing them would count as a feeble attempt at manipulation. just as long as you know they're there.

i know i always do this to myself. but noöne ever believes or realises that if i knew how to stop, i would. if i knew any other way to fucking do this, i would.

and i think i know why, contrary to all expectations, i've slept well for the past two nights: i used to enjoy beïng awake, so i subconsciously rebelled against sleep. lately, i fucking hate beïng awake; sleep is the only thing that feels halfway decent.

for extra credit, discuss the semantic differences between 'solitude' and 'loneliness'. provide examples ov each.

...i miss you.

speaking philosophically.

2008-04-29T16:18:04Z

I have never loved anything I've understood.

i just got this from a humourous article i'm reading called 'i also dated zarathustra'. humour aside, i really like that phrase. it suits me well. i think i'll wear it for a while.
to continue.

It's a love that is like loneliness.

suspension ov belief

2008-04-29T13:20:04Z

yesterday ended up sucking just as much as i thought it would. maybe more. hopefully today will be different, but i forgot my stone this morning.

i deserve this.

i was wrong about one thing, though: i slept quite well last night. i really don't know why.

i hope i'm right in not believing in reïncarnation; one trip through this shitstorm is more than enough.
i'm not tired, but i want to go back to ~~bed~~ couch. i want to sleep until everything is somehow okay. that could be a while.

every word ov this is true--but that doesn't mean any ov it will be believed.

i loved you.

stealing words

2008-04-28T15:30:46Z

last week was a shitty week, my weekend was okay, and now it looks like it's goïng to be another shitty week; at least, we're not exactly off to a stellar start. i will sum it up the way i sum up most things these days: fuck it. and i'm goïng to steal some lines from a song i like that keeps getting stuck in my head lately.

~blow out the candles on all my frankensteins
at least my deathwish will come true
tastes like valentine's and we cry, you're like a birthday
i should've picked the photograph it lasted longer than you~
-marilyn manson, 'putting holes in happiness'

i'd say i hope you had fun, but i'd be lyïng. and, contrary to popular belief, i don't do that*

*not often, anyway.

hold nothing

2008-04-27T06:59:21Z

things arrived. i bought stuff to make pet food, and made it. i've had rather a lot ov tea today. overall, it's been a good day.

another one bites the dust

2008-04-25T13:55:03Z

marley too. we were more or less expecting him too, though. still, i'm getting tired ov this, and it makes me a little paranoid.

on a more positive note, i have a laptop now. it's running vista, but i'll live.

leaving this place

2008-04-21T14:53:15Z

the vincent kitty left us last night; he apparently had cancer and didn't bother to tell us until he could barely walk. we'll miss him; if he's anywhere at all, i hope he's someplace comfortable.

personality tests! yay!

2008-04-18T22:36:00Z

Indie Personality Test Results

82% Indie
Scoring highly suggests you are likely to be very liberal, independent minded, self identify as an outsider, shun materialism and popular culture, and have an aversion to organized religion. While high scorers are more intellectual than average, they are probably more artistically astute than intellectually avante guard (i.e. they are more likely to know of new interesting new bands/artists/writers than the best way to extract energy from a hydrogen atom. Low scorers, will generally tend towards the opposite of the above. They will tend to be more materialistic, conservative, corporate friendly, social and are more likely to be religious.

Take Free Indie Personality Test
by Indie Harbor.com

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Narcissistic	\|\|	10%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (21%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private.
Neuroticism (82%) high which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Psychoticism (70%) high which suggests you are overly selfish, uncooperative, and difficult at the expense too often of the well being of others.

Take Eysenck Personality Test (similar to EPQ-R)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Extroversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private.
Neuroticism results were high which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Psychoticism results were high which suggests you are overly selfish, uncooperative, and difficult at the expense too often of the well being of others.

Career Inventory Test Results

Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	13%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Inquisitiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%

You are an Inventor, possible professions include - systems designer, venture capitalist, actor, journalist, investment broker, real estate agent, real estate developer, strategic planner, political manager, politician, special projects developer, literary agent, restaurant/bar owner, technical trainer, diversity manager, art director, personnel systems developer, computer analyst, logistics consultant, outplacement consultant, advertising creative director, radio/TV talk show host.

Take Free Career Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I have issues with...

health
history
genetics
honesty
paranormal

Take Word Association Test

I have issues with...

pleasure
immortality
paranormal
submission
disease

Take Word Association Test

okay, all dones!

from an article i'm reading.

2008-04-18T20:15:09Z

~Hope is cultivated by living with purpose. When every day is spent working towards something you believe in, hope is the natural byproduct. Just as thinking like a cynic leads to negative expectations for the future, taking action to improve (the world, yourself, etc) creates hope.

How could it not? By living with purpose, you become the positive change you expect to see, and that makes all the difference.

Living with purpose isn’t easy, but it’s possible for everyone. I’m not naive enough to believe that for everyone there is some perfect job or that everyone who isn’t happy should quit their jobs today in search of purpose. The search for purpose will always involve compromise. But if the way you spend the majority of your time opposes your core values, you will always feel emptiness.~

does anyöne actually believe this crap?

side note: i wish i could.

tinker6311 @ 2008-04-18T15:44:00

2008-04-18T19:44:44Z

i'm goïng to fucking scream.